bedtime

You're in bed with me right now...

I'm just laying here in my flannel polka-dot pj pants and an old t-shirt from high school (which is old enough that if it were a person, it could drive) and feeling that my toes really need attention from a sweet Korean woman with a emery board.

I know. Just too sexy for words, right?

Truth be known, I've just been restless the last couple of days, and I'm not sure why. There's just a sense that something is wrong or something is missing. But, I don't know what it is.

In my head, I have a perpetual 9 year old sitting in a small, wooden chair. His hair is perfectly parted to the right and his clothes are freshly ironed as he raises his hand to give a Sunday School answer... "Oooo, oooo! It's Jesus!"

Well, no... As much as I'd like to be able to quickly point out what's missing and tie it all up with an easy answer, I have to say, it isn't Jesus. Despite what others may think, I have Jesus, but I'm still feeling there's a hole somewhere inside, a vacuum of sorts.

But, unlike when I'm doing a puzzle, I'm not sure what piece is missing. The shape is undefined, and whatever picture it is supposed to complete is just blank.

Here in the dark, though, I'm starting to see what it is.

There's a relationship that I'm letting go of, or trying to have the strength to let go of, and it hurts. It's the right thing to do. Every part of me knows that... well, every part of me but my heart. There's no future in it, at least not a future that would make me happy.

I see it happening, I feel the relationship slip away, and while that should give me hope for healing and for new days ahead with a lighter load, I see someone I care about walk away. I'd love to call or send a text tomorrow, to do something that will keep his attention and keep him around a little while longer... but that would be delaying the inevitable. Even in a Leap Year, with one extra day, your birthday still comes; you still get older... you just get to delay it by with February 29.

There's no stopping what time will bring, and time will bring a stop to this relationship.

So, this restlessness I've been feeling lately is probably from weariness... the fatigue brought on by trying to be strong enough not to do what your heart longs to do. It can leave you uneasy, unsettled... tired but not sleepy.

It's not something a warm glass of milk or a lullaby can help. I have no clue what will satisfy this emptiness, but I would love to find it so I could get a good night's rest.