The Final Countdown

It’s New Year’s Eve. As I write this, Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are on TV prepping the world for the ball drop in Times Square. (If you know me and my usual interest in current events, this is the only time I actually watch CNN.) As I look at the crowds celebrating and the clock ticking down, I realize this countdown is a little different because with the entrance of 2013, I know something will be exiting.

I’ve never been one for resolutions. I’m still not. However, looking ahead into the fast approaching year, I’m deciding to not just make a resolution; I’m deciding to make things different. Mainly, I’m changing one thing, one major approach I’ve had to life that moving forward will not be the same.

Basically, to quote a song, I’m through with love.

A few things to prevent the immediate eye rolls…

I’m not bitter. This isn’t associated from an experience with a recent guy or a breakup.

I’m not drunk. Well, yet.

I’m not angry. I feel calm and collected about the decision.

I’m just done.

If anything should be alarming about this, it is how level headed and unemotional I am about the whole thing. I’ve said something similar before, claimed I was putting up the white flag and giving up. I would eventually, however, find a charming and handsome man to capture my attention and my heart’s affection, and I would take down the flag and fall for him. Over and over again.

This time, I can tell it’s different. I’m determined.

I’m not going to let it happen again. And, I know my weak spots. It’s the small things that feed this 13 year old girl inside me who develops a crush based on a mere glance and gets crushed at an unreturned text or screened phone call. It’s foolish to admit, but I’m not going to do the little things. I’m not going to put my pillows firmly beside me and pretend it’s someone who cares. I’m not going to place my thumb between my ring and middle fingers to make me feel like someone is holding my hand. I’m not going to base any more 11:11 wishes on a potential relationship. I’m not going to watch romantic comedies and cry because I think or hope someone would ever run through an airport to stop my plane to tell me how much they are in love with me.

I’ve just realized I’ve been putting my life on hold and waiting to do things for something that may never happen and someone who may not exist. I’ve had a dessert wine in my house for 6 years that I’ve been waiting to use for a ‘special occasion.’ I’ve never considered going to London, Paris or other dream destinations in the world until I had someone’s hand to hold. I sleep on one side of my bed just to get used to having someone else on the other side.

Rizzo was right. I’ve been doing one of the worst things. “I could stay home every night. Wait around for Mr. Right. Take cold showers every day, and throw my life away on a dream that won’t come true.”

I’ve been waiting for someone to come along. I’ve been hoping that it’ll happen. I’ve been wishing that there’ll be a change brought about by the entrance of someone who actually gets me. And, I’m done waiting and hoping and wishing.

And, honestly, I’m fine with it. I see the ‘gays that have gone before me.’ There are older gentlemen I know who are successful, respectable, honorable men and – wait for it – single. They may have chosen to be that way; they may not have. But, I feel that at some point in their lives, they realized that’s just how it is. And, they continued to live. That’s the decision I’m making this New Years.

I’m not saying that it will NEVER happen. I’m just saying that this year, I’m not going to hope that it does. I’m not going to ask anyone out on a date first. I’m not going to let myself feel anything for anyone. No crushes. No flirting. No Facebook profile stalking. Zombies seem to be a big fad in movies and TV right now, and that’s the look I’m going for on the inside. I’m not going to dive head first into the pool of love because I’ve always done so in the shallow end.

Instead, in 2013, I’m going to live my life. I’m going to sleep in the middle of the bed, all pillows apart from the one under my head gone. I’m going to plan a trip to London by myself. I’m going to drink that dessert wine. I’m going do all those things and more because I realize that I could be waiting forever to do and experience them.

As I type this, in NYC, the final minute of 2012 is ticking away. The ball is descending. When it stops, my new outlook begins.

Bittersweet, just like every New Years.