The Best Year Ever

Across the table from me sits an extremely attractive man. Young man, I should say. I mean, he drove himself here and could legally buy a bottle of wine, so it's not creepy or anything, but he's obviously younger than I am. At this point of my life, the majority of people are, actually. He's working diligently on his small black laptop as I sit across the table from him typing in a concentrated effort on mine. I'm attempting to look busy, enthralled and utterly dedicated to the business before me when in actuality, I'm trying to see who he decides to lift his head to look at in the coffee line behind me. Girls? Guys? Both? If guys, are they short, fair skinned, slightly balding from the back?

Truth be known, I came here to work on a script. Other people's new year's resolutions typically involve spending more time at the gym or giving more money to the poor. Mine, year after year, is to finish a script. By the end of the year, most people have gained weight and spent that money on selfish indulgences, and I have spent hours-- no, days of my life watching reality television and ending up creatively barren. Reality television is the entertainment version of deep fried Reese's peanut butter cups and has the worth of buying Ishtar on VHS. (Six of you who were alive in the '80s may have understood that last bit. If you did, we are now officially best friends.)

My Facebook newsfeed has been littered in the last two days with people declaring that 2013 was a horrible year… "Good riddance." "So glad this year is over!" "See you later 2013. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya," they seem to all be saying.

I hate to go against the majority, but 2013 was actually one of the best years of my life. I made a bold move and switched jobs, leading to a new depth in my career where I'm discovering creative challenges to overcome and meeting great people. It's provided me a fresh start and new energy and independence I hadn't anticipated. Additionally, despite some cruddy sniffles and coughs I have right now, I've been in great health all year. Let's face it: I look better at 39 and three/fourths than I have my whole life. This was also the year I finally made it to London and fell in love with a new (well, new to me), wonderful great city-- like New York but with a classy accent. Then, I was able to cap off the year with a lead role in a heartfelt, challenging play where I was proud of the production and my work in it-- reminding me of gifts with which I've been blessed and the additional joy of sharing them with others. Plus, through it all, I'm still able at any time to call my parents and ask advice, complain about being under the weather (as I am today) or just to hear their voices.

Plus, the one real Resolution I made last year, I was able to keep. That was: not to fall for anyone… not to care. You can see my last entry on the blog to read all about it. (Sadly, this was about the only writing I did; the entry from a year ago). Per my goal, I achieved emotional neutrality in the dating world, and I'm proud of it. I weened myself from all the little things that kept the Meg Ryan in me alive. 11:11 was just another minute, the one before 11:12, not a time to make a wish. Stars were just planets far, far away, and candles on top of a cake were just decoration. I trained myself to stop all the other the little things I would do or say to myself to help keep romantic hope on the respirator. I unplugged the machine, and the hopeless romantic in me flatlined. Time of death: 11:59 p.m., December 31, 2013.

[insert moment of silence here.]

Okay, yes, I admit: I fell off the bandwagon once this year… About six months in, I weakened as anyone does when trying to learn and practice something new and against who they are wired to be. Like those who swear to lose weight, I cheated. I tasted something sweet, and it reminded me of the endorphins that come from a crush. What it also reminded me of is that we can't control what others do or think… or feel. So, after a few weeks of … well, it doesn't matter what I felt the few weeks were. However I may have labeled them, they weren't that. They were just another story -- same book, different chapter. During our last dinner (which I didn't know was our last dinner), he spoke of how he's not a romantic and how he doesn't act or think that way. Flashforward, a couple of weeks later, he was changing his relationship status on Facebook, hash tagging how he was in love and posting on Instagram pictures of sweet acts they would do for one another. Life, relationships and healing must have been so much easier in the days before social media.

But, I shook it off. When the picture I ordered of us from a concert we attended finally arrived, I threw it away… or put it in a box of old cards and pictures. I don't remember. The movies he left at my place are in a box of donations which I plan to take to Good Will… someday. Still, I remembered all the reasons why I set the goal, I rededicated myself to my New Year's Resolution for 2013, and I kept it. 

Sure, I still notice a gorgeous blonde man in a fitted v-neck sweater sitting across from me in a mega-chain coffee shop; my eyeballs still work. It's just my romantic heart that doesn't. I found the switch. I count it among my accomplishments from 2013.

And, even as great as 2013 was, this new year must be different. I must complete a script. I must stay in shape or even improve it more. I must succeed in my new career move. I must do so much more that I don't even know yet. This is the year that must be different, this is the year that really needs to leave a mark. It's a big year. 2014… and the 4 stands for 40.

All these "musts" are reasons I feel so much pressure today. These on top of everyone who seems so glad to see 2013 depart and 2014 arrive. It's caused me to suffocate under this intense weight to make 2014 the best year ever.

It's already going to be a landmark year in my life, so what will it be remembered for? I think that's what led me to a minor breakdown today… minor in comparison to a couple of others I've had in my life at least. Whether it was remains of the bottle of wine I had enjoyed the night before (yes, I said 'bottle'-- deal with it) or the Dayquil having some adverse effect on my mood, I was on the phone with my best friend Kathy when out of nowhere, I just started crying. Not a few weepy tears that come from deep thoughts; it was my first ugly cry of 2014. Check that off the list. Thankfully, as Kathy is good to do in moments of distress, she lovingly reminded me what I needed to hear.

I don't have to take on 2014 all at once. New Year's Resolutions are great, but hearing everyone say that 2014 is going to be the best year ever really was getting to be too much. What did that mean? What did I have to do? What did I have to promise myself? What did I have to promise others? What changes do I need to make? What do I have to deliver? Who do I have to be? What do I have to wear? I didn't have it in me today to answer those questions. I still don't.

Honestly, I can't say that 2014 is going to be the best year ever. 2013 was great, but I can't guarantee what I'll be writing on this day in 2015. Going into a year with positive thinking is great and I'm all for it, but life provides enough pressure and stress that I don't need to stand at the start of the journey and say, "This is the best journey ever ahead of me." I prefer not to set the bar that high.

I think that's one way I failed in my romantic life. Turns out, there's not someone waiting to meet me at the top of the Empire State Building or running to prevent me from leaving a New Year's Eve party or wanting me live with him at his winery in France. It's life.

As Kathy said, all I can do is take it a day at a time. I'll say that today will be a good day, and tomorrow, on January 2, I'll try to do the same. They all won't be great days. The best thing we can do is shoot for the law of averages. If I have more good days than bad days in 2014, then overall, it'll be a good year. The only way I can do that is take it a day at a time… and sometimes, just a few hours at a time. Somedays are challenging, some are great, but the majority are just days.

At this point, you may be sad for me. "So jaded," you may be thinking. "So cynical to the world." And, if that's what you're thinking, I'm going to say your hunch is a little off. That would be the easy answer, sure. I say these things, though, for the same reason you sing a lullaby to a baby… calming the soul so it can rest. Besides, to say that most days are just days helps make the unique and special ones stand out more. They can't all be fabulous… the same applies to people. If fabulous was the norm, nothing (or no one) would be fabulous.

Speaking of fabulous, remember the beautiful guy from across the table? He packed up a long time ago and left without any exchange of names or numbers or glances, for that matter… disappearing into the sea of beautiful people of Dallas. The saddest part is that I skipped ahead to write this part while he was packing up. As I've been prone to do in the past, once again, I wrote the end of the story at the very same time I had a chance to change it, before it was really even over.

 That said, I guess since I more or less successfully accomplished one resolution last year, this year I'll take on two. (1) Finish a script from beginning to end, and (2) let the end of the script be the only ending I write. From now on, I'll allow time, fate and God write the ending of the other stories of my life. Chances are, they'll be better than anything that I could create.