RomCom 101

Every year sometime in between Thanksgiving and New Years, I like to watch all the movies I own that tie in to the holiday season. And, every year, I’m surprised by how many movies that includes.

Of course, there are the obvious ones like “White Christmas,” “Miracle on 34th Street” (don’t hate me, but I prefer the remake with Elizabeth Perkins and Dylan McDermott over the original—which is an unfair statement as I have not watched the original in its entirety), and “A Christmas Story” (even though I’m bound to watch it at some point when TNT plays is on a 24 loop every Christmas Eve). But, beyond the flat out, in your face Christmas movies, I own tons of other movies that have pivotal moments or scenes set around the time of the holidays… thankfully, most of them are romantic comedies, so this tradition I’ve established for myself is one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Every year, the holiday movie tour also includes: “While You Were Sleeping” (“I should have got a blue spruce, they’re lighter.”), “You’ve Got Mail” (“…unwrapping funky ornaments made of popsicle sticks and missing my mother so much I almost couldn’t breathe…”), “The Holiday” (“I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should.”), “When Harry Met Sally…” (one of the best lines ever: “And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”), and “Love Actually” (my current favorite: “Because it’s Christmas, and at Christmas, you always tell the truth.”)

Of course, the holiday movie tradition would not be complete without a viewing of “Sleepless in Seattle.” Seriously, hands down, one of the best romantic comedies ever made. Brilliant in so many ways, it is all about the best part of the relationship—how time, obstacles and situations were overcome to bring two soul mates together.

But, whether it’s time or age or experience that have made me cynical and disillusioned, this year, as I watched one of my favorite movies of all time, I saw something new. There’s an element to that movie that always slipped by me until the Christmas of 2009.

Meg Ryan was a total, crazy stalker in that movie.

Just look at the plot: she hears this guy on the radio. Develops a crush. (So far, so good. We’ve all done that much… I mean, I’ve been known to watch “White Collar” on USA and pretend that Matt Bomer is charming me directly as opposed to whatever character he’s talking to. I own my crazy.). But, then… she writes him a letter. Then… she hires a private detective to follow Tom Hanks around and take pictures. And then… THEN… when all that is not enough, she flies across the country to see him. From Baltimore to Seattle, she flies to go to his house, knock on his door and introduce herself. But, when he isn’t home, she follows him in her rented car and watches (hiding around a corner, mind you) as he plays with his son on the beach.

She did everything but boil a rabbit.

But, we excuse it. Why? We excuse it because she’s Meg Ryan (well, early ‘90s Meg Ryan… I think if present day Meg Ryan was pulling that shit, someone would put out a restraining order). We excuse it because it was written by Norah Ephron. We excuse it because a Harry Connick Jr. song was playing in the background.

Apparently, with just the right elements, stalking can be not only okay but fucking romantic.
While writing this in my favorite Starbucks (where my better writing typically originates), there have been about five guys that I’d gladly hire a private detective to follow (wait… new one just came in… make that six). By nature… or perhaps by nurture since I’ve watched these romantic comedies repeatedly for years… I have a tendency to make, shall we say, an “extra effort” to get to know someone. I don’t have scratches on my arms from hiding in the bushes outside where they live or anything, but I have been known to visit a particular facebook page several times a day. And there was that one time when I scaled the wall to a gated community to see if someone’s car was there… but that was YEARS ago…

Who can blame me? Aside from the unavoidable stalking nature displayed in Sleepless in Seattle, look at While You Were Sleeping. Sweet, Oscar-nominated Sandra Bullock lied to the guys’ entire family, claiming to be his fiancé. And, even with the huge charade and tangled web of lies that she put into motion, at the end, she still ends up marrying the brother and becoming a part of the family, to everyone’s blessing. Forget the fact that for three weeks she was fabricating a lie about their son who was in a coma. All water under the bridge, I suppose. Why? Because she’s Sandra fucking Bullock.

And, that’s just using the romantic comedies with a holiday tie-in. That excludes movies like Meg Ryan/Matthew Broderick’s “Addicted to Love” in which they actually put cameras to spy on the objects of their affection. Or “French Kiss” in which Meg Ryan flies to France (a longer trip this time) to (once again) spy on her ex-fiancé and his new girlfriend. Or the ‘80’s classic, “Overboard” in which Kirk Russell basically kidnaps Goldie Hawn and makes her his servant to clean his house and take care of his boys all in an effort to recoup money for a carpentry job that she didn’t pay him for.

No wonder I’m still single and utterly screwed up in the love department. I’ve tried to learn and model my dating life after romantic comedies in which lying, stalking and minor misdemeanors are not only accepted by considered, in the end, utterly charming and completely irresistible. I’ve earned an “A” in RomCom 101, but like geometry, it has no baring in the real world.

Meanwhile, if I happen to call a guy more than twice in one week, my friends widen their eyes, put up their hands as if they are attempting to stop a stampeding herd of horses and say I need to slow down.

But, in my perspective, using Meg Ryan as a measuring stick (which I’ve done most of my life since high school to my late 20s), I’m doing pretty damn good.