my response

A friend recently asked me to help him. A family member had come out to him, and coming from a very conservative Southern Baptist background, he wasn't sure a good response. Gathering evidence from my facebook, he thought I might be a good resource for all things gay (it didn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure that out). This is what I shared with him:

First, I'm sorry for the delay in getting my response to you. I'm in the middle of a show right now, and so my schedule has been a bit hectic lately. But, I'd be lying if I didn't say I like it. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't busy.

It's really hard to know where to begin with this. There's really no need for me to start at day one of my story and lead you through the entire story. It'd be too much information and more than anything self-indulgent. Instead, I'll try to just share parts that I think are most applicable to where you are. If have you questions beyond what I share, please feel free to toss them my way. My goal in sharing what I end up sharing is not to change your mind or convince you of one way or another but to hopefully provide some insight to a gay person who grew up in the church. Everyone's story is different... This is most of mine.

My senior year in college was the first time I met with a minister about the gay thoughts and feelings I was having. Thinking back, I can remember these feelings and inclinations in my childhood and clearly surfacing in high school. I had read somewhere in those teen 'facts of life' kind of manuals that doctors give out that feelings like that could be just phases. That's what I had hoped and prayed it was. But, by my senior year, I could tell they weren't going away like I had hoped, so I made an appointment and met with a college minister that I loved and respected (still do). His advice was when I moved to College Station for grad school, find a group of guys and find accountability and to ask a girl out, start dating. And pray more.

I moved to College Station, immediately found a great church. After about a year, I joined the ministry team and found a couple of great guy friends that I developed an accountability relationship with. I had never acted on my homosexuality, but I was torn. I also started meeting with the college minister there who is also a great man. He encouraged me to work on scripture memory, specifically memorizing Philippians. I met with him quite a bit and he offered encouragement but really had no answers.

I then moved back to Waco and started working at Baylor. I loved my job and loved working at a university... but over the 4 years I lived there, I progressively grew bitter. I was trying everything I knew... regular quiet times, going to church every Sunday, mission trips, Bible studies, praying, fasting... I was filling my time with every good thing I could possibly think of and still I was dealing with these thoughts and emotions and feelings. They came so naturally to me... I never had to "try." I was naturally attracted to men, and although I had still not acted on it, I was trying every possibly method I had learned to stop my feelings.

I was resenting so many things... I resented fraternity brothers from Baylor. A few of them had come out in between my graduation and then return to work at Baylor. They somehow had made it through to a life I wanted but was told I couldn't have.

I resented the church for making this seem like the most evil of sins. Anyone could stand up and give a testimony about their addiction to alcohol or gambling or even straight pornography but it seemed if someone stood up to share their dealings with homosexuality, there was a different classification for them.

I resented Baylor. I was daily in an environment that was telling me that it was not okay to be this person that I am.

And, probably most of all, I resented myself... for being in a position and place in life where I constantly failed and then emotionally flogged myself for it later. I was looking ahead into the life I had and saw nothing but anger and frustration and self-hatred that I could only imagine ending in a desperate attempt.

So, after 4 years working at Baylor, I reached a breaking point (which is a separate story altogether), and I moved to Dallas. A few months before I moved, I had auditioned for a theatre show in Arlington. Growing up, the only theatre I had ever done was in 7th grade at the Harbor Playhouse in Corpus. It was a production of "The Littlest Angel" and the theatre had called our church looking for kids who could sing since they were using so many Christmas songs. I loved it, every second of it. But, I wasn't allowed to do any theatre after that... I wasn't told why until years later, but it was because of the gay influences.

Well, at the age of 27, that was another thing I had come to resent, so I auditioned for a show in Arlington and was cast. I drove from Waco to Arlington every night for rehearsal. It was during that show, and the next one, and then the next one (when I eventually moved to Dallas) that I met my first gay friends. And, I learned something... They weren't evil. They weren't extremely feminine. They weren't promiscuous. Some of them were loving uncles, some of them were fathers. Some of them were nice; some of them were funny. And-- some of them were Christians.

Now, I can find for you the journal entry I made a few years before that saying that gay Christians don't exist... But, I met them, and I saw that this combination I have been told isn't real is. They believe in God. They believe that Jesus died on the cross for their sins. They believe He will come back again. And, they love men.

That threw me for a loop and had me asking a lot of questions. So, instead of going into the process of questioning, let me tell you a few of the answers I've found.

One answer is that I don't see that the faith of Christianity and homosexuality are mutually exclusive. A very well respected Southern Baptist pastor said his stance when people from his congregation try to corner him on this issue is that he is not aware of anywhere where Jesus spoke directly on this topic, so he doesn't see a reason where he as the pastor should. And, let me just take a side note to share that this pastor has demonstrated such accepting and unconditional love to me that it makes me tear up a little bit when I stop and think about it. It doesn't slow him down in the least in loving me... and this touches me because I don't think it slows Jesus down in loving me either.

I think too often the church treats gay people as the present day lepers. The difference is, we aren't sick (a point some might disagree with).

I know there are Scripture references to homosexuality... Most commonly sited in Leviticus and Romans. This is where commonly a debate could begin, but honestly, I've never been one for debate. I don't ever want to argue a point or push my beliefs in anyone's face. But, being that I had to wrestle with them myself for years and in answer to the questions that I would imagine about these points, personally, I've come to believe that those references are contextual in the time that they were written. This, again, would be something that could be a whole other message.

Another answer I found is that a person won't do anyone any good by pretending to be something that they aren't. I remember sitting in the balcony of First Baptist Church Corpus Christi and writing out my life goals on an offertory envelope. It had very little to do with my career but all to do with getting married and having kids. I wanted nothing else than a 'normal' life... still do, to be quite honest. But, I never dated in college or grad school because I already saw the ending in my head... I felt the panic of walking down the aisle and committing my life to be something I wasn't. I imagined the possible affairs and resulting drama and hurt... the lives ruined.

No, that wasn't guaranteed to happen, but I knew if I married a girl, even if I did have a love for her, it wouldn't be the type of love she needed or deserved, and I knew that the whole time, I would want to be with a man. Hiding in a marriage wasn't the answer... And, the alternative of being a celibate, closeted gay man sounded worse and would do nothing but grow the resentment I had.

A few years ago, I did a play called "Southern Baptist Sissies" which basically was my life. It was about four guys that grew up in the Southern Baptist church in the south and ended up being gay. One ended up being a drag queen, one ended up out and proud, one ended up a closeted minister and one ended up killing himself. I played the one that committed suicide... and it was so easy to identify with. I thought that was my destiny...

And looking back, to see the reason I didn't is because of this: unconditional love. I've been blessed immensely... God strategically put people in my life, starting from when I was growing up until now that have demonstrated the love I needed. Most of my Christian friends from Baylor know about me now, and they love me the same, if not more... and, they love me with no agenda. They aren't handing brochures. They aren't recommending programs to alter my lifestyle. They genuinely love me because I am me... and even more me than the Chad they knew at Baylor.

There's also been unconditional love for my family. During Southern Baptist Sissies, I 'came out' to my family (I don't love that phrase).

Now, let me explain the timing. Even though it was great motivation for the tears required in the show, I went ahead and defused the family bomb and told them about my sexuality. There had been plenty of evidence to let them know without me having to voice it, but I knew I owed it to them. I had never lied to them about anything... even my homosexuality. I just chose to edit what I did tell them.

I don't think that gays who grow up in the church (or any disapproving environment) intentionally lie or lie for fun or anything to be hurtful. It's a matter of survival. The last two people I ever told about my sexuality were my family and my best friend from my childhood. And, the reason is simple... the people you tell first are the people you want beside you through the journey, and the people you tell last are the people you fear losing the most. I knew the pain it would cause my parents and sister, and I wanted to avoid that at all cost, so I delayed telling them as long as possible. While I never lied about my life, I think it helps explain why others do... they are avoiding causing pain both to themselves and others and potentially losing the people they love the most.

This is not to tell you what to do, what to believe or what to feel. If you were lied to, you have every right to feel betrayed. If you feel deceived, you have every right to feel confused. If you had hoped for a different story for that person, you have every right to feel disappointed.

But, at the same time, please take into consideration the motivations of that other person. While it may have seemed to be entirely selfishly motivated, it might have come from a place of love and deep desire to preserve his or her relationship with you.

So, while my family doesn't love me being gay, they have not do anything to make me feel less loved... if not, I feel more loved. I feel more loved because the truth has been told. and they love me like they did before. We don't talk about 'things' often, and I know they would prefer things to be different. Still, their love is clear.

It's truly an endless story that I could tell. So many little details that I could share... So many friends that have taught me how to love who I am... So many ways that I've seen God prepare my path... But, instead, let me share one last experience that has helped me put it into perspective.

My grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away shortly just before I moved to Dallas-- right when when I began to accept who I am. My whole life, I had seen my grandfather and my grandmother as extremely conservative. It seemed I always had to be on my best behavior in front of them and not even hint of any sort of wrong-doing. He was a Southern Baptist minister... like the 'old school' kind.

During his last days, he asked my aunt (who is a lesbian) if I was going to be okay.

"Chad's going to be fine," she told him.

After she left his hospital room, she asked my grandmother why he asked her that. My grandmother said, "Well, we always thought that Chad may be gay, and so we just want him to know that we love him."

My grandfather passed shortly after that happened and the day before the funeral when I walked into my grandmother's house in California, she put her hands on my cheeks, kissed me, and then looked me in the eyes and her first words to me were, "We love you. You are ours, no matter what."

It was a blessing from family that I never thought I would receive... from a grandmother long before I even told my parents. It was someone who had known me my whole life looking at me in the full light of truth and saying that they still loved me... something I never imagined possible.

I was telling this story, through tears, to a very good pastor friend of mine (another one), and he helped put that into perspective.

"Chad," he said, "I hope when you think of that story, you not only hear the voice of your grandmother, but you also hear the voice of God because I believe that is His message to you too."

And, I believe he's right.