20/20

I work with a guy that has two eyes.

Okay, wait, let me clarify. Everyone I work with has two eyes. In fact, everyone I know has two eyes. As I mentally flip through the Rolodex of people in my life, I don't run across a pirate or James Bond nemesis that requires a patch or has a disfiguring facial scar. Thankfully, everyone I know has two perfectly working eyes.

That's not to say that I will only be friends with people with two working eyes. I'd gladly spend time getting to know a one-eyed person-- provided that they aren't a pirate or evil mastermind... I still want to be careful of the company I keep. I don't want to be judged guilty by association for raping and pillaging a village or holding the United States hostage with a missile or something. I can get in plenty of trouble on my own.

To even extend that, I'd be willing to be friends with a blind person for that matter... even though they couldn't read my blog unless it is translated into braille or they had one of those features on their computer that reads things outloud. I pride myself a bit on being open minded to the visually impaired-- or at least trying to be.

But, this one guy at work is challenging my view on the subject.

He started at the office about a month and a half ago. Young (I allow myself to say that because he's close to my age) and handsome, he's the new Chief Information Officer (i.e. King of the Nerd Herd). I work and collaborate with him on a number of projects, so we email and meet relatively frequently. It wasn't until our third or fourth conversation that I noticed something was different about him.

He has two different color eyes.

Now, I've seen this on cats and dogs and other sort of animals, but on a human, it's a bit freaky and unsettling. He might as well have a tail.

At first, I thought he might be blind in one eye. One looked different than the other, so that was my first and immediate conclusion. So, with great effort, I worked to focus on 'the good eye.' By whatever train of thought, I decided the lighter color eye was the 'good' one. I'm sure psychologist from coast to coast would assert this reveals deep prejudices on my part and that by deciding the blue one was 'good' and the brown one was 'bad' that I have racist tendencies and probably have a cross in my trunk dripping with gasoline, ready to burn on the first lawn I see.

Just goes to show that they don't know me at all. I drive a Jeep. I don't have a trunk.*

But, as soon as I decided that I was dealing with a SDJ situation (blind in one eye so I had to concentrate on the working one-- ala Sammy Davis Junior), I could see I was wrong. The brown eye moved just as well as the blue one. I discovered this through a number of tests. If I saw him standing in the hall talking with someone, I would idle up beside him on his brown eyed side and see how long it too him to notice me. His timing was always quick and impressive.

At the start of a meeting in the conference room, I would act very indecisive about which chair I would like to sit in, so I would sit in one briefly and then quickly hop up and select another one for a few seconds until I would switch again... all under the cover of saying their was a draft in one chair or a particularly bad glare in another. No one else in the meeting knew what I was doing or found it particularly odd (at least, not odd for me. I find if you set a standard expectation of peculiarity for yourself in a social or work situation, you are allowed more extreme oddities in your behavior on various occasions like this one). Throughout my personal game of Musical Chairs (without the music), I would check my co-workers eyes to see how they followed me. Both were in sync and right on target. The same proved true when I used a laser pointer through one of my presentations.

That's when I finally asked the receptionist. Having never seen a two-colored eyed person before, it was hard to comprehend. I had to make sure I wasn't seeing things. When she confirmed that I indeed was not crazy (well, on this particular point), I felt much more at ease now that I knew what I was dealing with.

I mean, part of me actually starting feeling sorry for him. While almost anyone in their life can get the compliment, "You have such beautiful (insert color of eyes here) eyes," you find yourself at a loss when trying to share the same sentiment with him. What is there to say? "You have such a beautiful left brown eye." It's just not a compliment that could carry a romantic moment through. Once you're forced to get that specific, it pretty much stops magic dead in its tracks... with the sound effect of screeching brakes and all.

Still, the two-colored eye feature actually can come in handy, both for the person looking in to the eyes and the one looking out of them. Now, when I'm in a meeting with him, when he is joking or being light-hearted, I look into the right blue eye. Whatever he says seems a bit more enjoyable or fun when I'm looking into the brighter eye. However, when the more serious, business portion of the meeting comes into play, I switch and concentrate on the brown eye. The information is more reliable and accurate when I'm looking into the left brown eye. It's clear he's done his research and that he's serious about what he's sharing. Blue eye: fun. Brown eye: business.

His eyes are like a mullet. Business in the front; party in the back. Business in the brown; party in the blue.

Then, I wonder if that helps with his life or his day at work. Does he close his brown eye when he's watching a comedy so he enjoys the jokes more? Does he close his blue eye when he needs to concentrate on a project at work? When he gets on to his kids, does he scold them like Popeye, pinching the blue eye shut so they know he's serious? What does he do during sex? I imagine he looks like he has a nervous twitch or tick.

Maybe that's why pirates typically wear a patch... No one is going to be scared of a pirate with a blue right eye.

If I were him, I'd invest in a matching pair of contacts. That way, people talking to me wouldn't be eye bouncing from left to right-- and by what color contact I'm wearing, they'd know what kind of mood I'm in. Both brown, let's get some work done. Both blue, let's PARTY! I would imagine a contact company would be glad to give him a blue and brown one. They have to have a few extras lying around. He'd probably get a discount. Maybe he could claim it on our insurance. I'll talk to HR on his behalf.



*Because anyone can read this and not everyone knows me (yet), I'm not racist. It was a joke.